A Tribute to My Mother!

This photo was at my Mother's 80th birthday party last summer. This was before things went bad for her. She was able to get around, though a bit limited due to the knee pain. She was happy here, and this is the way I choose to remember her. Happy! Her life after this was a downward spiral that soon was completely out of control. I do miss her; but am so relieved to know she is once again Happy and pain free, no more suffering.

The alphabet begins with the letter A

Three words come to mind that start with the letter A that apply and bring back memories of Mom.

ADVICE, Mom gave me some really good advice when I got married, never go to bed mad. Just after her decision to be done with the tests, the tubes etc, she gave this same advice to my youngest nephew (her youngest grandson). He's a newly wed, and she told both of them these were her words of wisdom.

AFGHAN, Most of you know I knit and crochet and have made hundreds of afghans. Some were wedding gifts, some Christmas presents, some for new babies, but mostly my afghans have been donated to various charities over the years. From here forward, each and every afghan I make will keep her memory alive. Her gift to me was teaching me the very rudamentary stitches so very long ago.

APPLES, Mom and Dad had a tradition of picking apples in the fall and dividing them among us kids. It's been a few years since Mom was able to walk well enough to do that; but fresh picked apples and apple cider in the fall.........this too is a fond memory I'll have of her.

(I've got several afghans in the works right now, way behind working on them. But, when I do get back to it, rest assured she'll be with me. I have 2 knitted baby blankets in the works, one children's afghan, an afghan for a coworker, a Christmas afghan for the family exchange for Christmas 09.)

Many many thanks for all the nice comments and emails, the hugs, the prayers. They are all very much appreciated.

Peace, at last

My Mother passed today, peacefully with the love of her life, Daddy at her bedside. I'm so relieved to know she'll suffer no more. My heart breaks for him, they've been married 61 years last August. My two brothers, their wives, and my husband and I were there; though not in the room with them. I think their relationship was so very special that is nice they had those final moments together.

Daddy and I had gone this am to make arrangements. She knew we were putting things in order and I believe this too gave her comfort.

I'm grateful she's now at peace, and have begun thinking about how to best help Daddy through this next trial. It's Spring, a time of growth and renewal------he's a consumate gardner and I pray he'll find comfort in planting and tending his garden.

Thank you all for the continued support you've given, I truly appreciate it---more than I know how to express.

Sandy

Hospice

Ash Wednesday is the night Mom went into the hospital and had emergency surgery, a few days ago Good Friday the doctor told us she would not heal. I asked if hospice was appropiate and his answer-- we've crossed the line where we're preventing her death instead of prolonging her life. We consulted Hospice and today Easter Sunday will be her first day under full Hospice Care. Once papers were signed yesterday it took til 8:30 last night to physically get the move done. She is very much at peace with this decision; though it was a difficult one for the family to come together on. I take comfort in knowing her decision is the right decision; though I say it with a heavy heart.

I hope each and everyone of you spend this special day with loved ones.

Comfort Care, Do Not Resuscitate

After my last post, thngs continued downward. Her breathing was labored, shallow, vitals all over the place in both directions high and low. Blood sugars irratic, pain level increasing, flow from the chest tube very minimal to where they decided to remove it. Feeling that it might help her be more comfortable. The decision made that she was very depressed and in lots of pain and the talk of taking back to ICU only highten that depression. So, family discussion and DNR order written. The doctor felt if the tube went in, it would never come out and thats not what anyone wants. Once the decision was made and she was able to discuss her wishes, see family members she became more calm and that seemed to help her breathing. Changes in her meds with the inclusion of a mood elevator also helped; not only her-- but family as she looked better. The tough part is is it an elusion? Her vitals are better, her breathing was better, they took out the G tube also. Her hemaglobin continued to drop farther and got down to 8 again; 2 more units of packed cells were given. This now makes 12 or 14 units of packed cells she's been given; so clearly the bleeding is still an issue. After the cells are given she has a little more color, a little more energy and her level actually got to 12 one day, the next day it dropped to 11.5, wonder what it will be today. If the count levels out or maintains, they may feel the bleeding is coming under control; but we've been many times before. Confusion and pain increase when hemaglobin drops.

Yesterday, they decided to see if she could tolerate any food. This is the 3rd attempt since surgery 7 wks ago. She had small amounts of hot tea at all 3 meals yesterday with some very thin diluted brooth, a little Italian Icy. She didn't throw up, or have more pain as she has in the past; but it's too soon to tell if her stomach is going to process it this time.

Her partially calapsed lung has worsened in the past 2 days, and yesterday 2 Interns/Residents were talking about chest tubes again. I told them she's already had 3, and I didn't think she'd let them put another one in. They wrote orders for an occlusion dressing at the site of the last chest tube to hopefully prevent air from the outside from entering, feeling that might help the situation. They'll do another chest x-ray today. The other possible reason for the calapsed lung would be a hold in the lung; but that isn't showing up on x-ray.

She's so very tired of this all, depressed. I don't think I can count the number tests, tubes, holes etc. her poor body's been through.

Thanks again to all for your continued support both here via comments, emails etc. I truly appreciate each and every hug, good vib, and prayer.

Sunday....I just don't what to think, Day #40

Not much new from Mom's bedside there at the hospital. Hemaglobin still being watched carefully to assertain how much bleeding is going on, and whether or not things are recovering in that area. She was 11 something after the last 2 packed cells given about 5 days ago, she dropped to 10, which while to low seems to be leveling out. She's coughing up less blood. The chest tube drained quite a bit out of her lungs for the first day and has slowed down since then. The color is less bloody, so that would appear to be a good sign.........on the other hand, they say her lungs aren't clear and were hoping to get more fluid out. Respiratory therapy treatments continue around the clock every 4 hours. Her vitals.......well, we wish we knew. One minute they're bad, then they get a little better for a few minutes, then go bad again. Initially yesterday am, she looked very bad and was in lots of pain. Later in the day, her pain level seemed better and she was more responsive and better color.

Each day as we walk down the hall to enter her room, we wonder how that day will go. It's sure been a long hard hospital stay. I've been pretty impressed with the level of caring nurses she's had over this long haul. Some better than others, human nature; but many who truly care and help not only her, but us family members as well.

Continued thanks for your prayers and support.

Today, Day 36! Better or Worse?

The last 4 days have been hectic, emotionally up and down; though mostly down. Mom continued to bleed, continued to throw up blood and became increasingly more uncomfortable. Her breathing became more labored, hemaglobin was up and down though more down than up. She received more packed cells.

Once again the surgeons thought about doing an endoscopy to try and determine the source of the bleeding. Once again they scheduled and cancelled it. This now makes the 4th one scheduled, and 2nd one cancelled. This wasn't communicated very well, and there seemed to be confusion to do it or not.

Enter, Dr. Iscabar!!! A wonderful doctor and communicator. FINALLY! She's a Pulmonary and Intensivist. She explains she's got too much fluid in her lungs to do endoscopy and that would heighten the risk, she ups her Lasix's, ulters the IV's, and indicates she needs closer watching. Transfers her to A step down unit (where she went right after being ICU), a much lower nurse to patient ratio, more equipment etc. Further she indcates the primary difficulty needing immediate attention is her lungs, full of liquid, the need to stop the throwing up, emphysema being a major problem. Cardiologist get involved and the decision is made for added suction to get some of the junk out of her stomach, insert a chest tube (now her 3rd one) to drain off this liquid (which appears to have lots of blood in it) from her lungs. They did all this yesterday. She's in pain, but actually is breathing and resting better. Her hemaglobin is starting to recover.

For the time being, status quo. Everything seems to be monitored more closely and she makes rounds more often and communicates and toes and fingers crossed; we might be seeing some minimal improvement. She's far from out of the woods; but...maybe a light at the tunnel can be observed.

Thanks to all for your continued support and prayer, all is much appreciated. Managed a few updates here on the blog with my charity numbers. My yarn bag stays with me at the hospital. Most recently, I've made 6 pair of booties and 5 infant hats.

I hope to get some pictures proceesed to update the bridge, so please check in later there. Would love you all to pop over to my SIL, Jan's site (some of you have before), to see her really awesome new blog banner. We're both pretty excited about it. Badges for both in the right side bar.